Blending and Bending- Erica's Insight
Families
Blending and Bending
Photography by Mike Scheid on Unsplash
Blending families is easy... SAID NO ONE EVER! The first few years of marriage are hard enough by themselves; combine that with all the do's and don’ts that come with "step parenting," and well, it makes for an interesting mix. By the way, in our home we don't use the word "step." For us it sounds like you’re an outsider.
I also don't like the word "bonus". To me, bonus means "prize" or that I've "won" something, and let's be honest, this step parenting thing isn't always a bonus. So, in my home I'm "mom" and my husband is "dad." We didn't force that on our kids, they made that choice themselves, and I was glad they did.
This is my first piece of blended advice: DON'T FORCE TITLES ON CHILDREN! ALLOW THEM TO DECIDE WHAT THEY WANT TO CALL THEIR "STEP PARENT" …as long as it is respectful and within limits.
Transition is hard and sometimes it can take years for things to align and sometimes they may never align at all.
Sometimes we get so caught up in "mom" and "dad" that we don't realize that kids (especially younger kids) refer to people based on the relationship. However, when it comes to older kids, I do believe the dynamics can be different, but we must still allow them to make a choice. 2 of my 5 kids call me “Ms. Erica," but I still refer to them as my kids. I don't allow their choice to dictate my parenting. There is no separation here.
Inclusion In Blended Families
As adults we have to understand that children experience emotions just like we do. My husband’s teenage daughter making the choice to call me "Ms. Erica," instead of mom wasn't malicious or ill intended, it just is, and I'm okay with that. However, that does not give me the right, as an adult, to separate her from being my child. When I said "I do" to my husband I said "I do" to them, and therefore they are "our kids." Inclusion in blended families is important no matter what titles are used.
If anybody tells you blending families is a piece of cake, they're lying.
At 29 years old I married the man of my dreams, but in doing so I went from a single mom of 1 to a full time married mom of 3. Although I only parent 3 children full time, our family consists in total of 5 kids. My husband has full custody of 2 of his 4 kids. Something I learned very quickly was that just because I was living out one of the best moments of my life didn't mean our children were. Transition is hard and sometimes it can take years for things to align and sometimes they may never align at all.
When your spouse doesn’t back you up on something you feel is wrong, forgiveness is important.
Successful Blended Families Require:
Blending families requires figuring out what each child needs individually and how we incorporate each need into the lives of everyone else. It may mean being uncomfortable, uncertain and confused. It means learning new boundaries and figuring out who has what role. Blending families’ means more communication (especially if there are other parents involved). I will not tell you it is easy, because it's not. I won't tell you that I love being a "stepmother" every day, because I don't. I will tell you this...becoming a blended family forces you to get rid of every plan and expectation you have for yourself and start fresh daily.
Forgiveness And Commitment
Becoming a "step-parent" has made me excel at the art of forgiveness. I thought marriage was going to be hard, but what’s harder is when your blended family puts your marriage to the test. You learn that sometimes the rules will be broken. When children are forced to learn new rules and expectations, boundaries will be pushed.
You, my dear friend, however, must forgive. When your spouse doesn’t back you up on something you feel is wrong, forgiveness is important. When one of your "bonus babies" reminds you ever so politely “you are not my mother,” you forgive. When you commit to being a part of a blended family you commit to drawn out family meetings about why one kid feels something is unfair because they don’t like how you parent. You commit to constant repetition because no kid wants someone who isn’t their mom or dad bossing them around. You commit to reprogramming because it’s likely you and your spouse already had your individual way of doing things. You commit to learning who likes their food a certain way and who won’t eat what. But, you also commit to extra love, more kisses, bigger family pictures, bigger holidays and bigger memories.
No adult sets out in life with the idea that they will become a part of a blended family and no kids desire that. Life happens, and you roll with the punches however, when life happens remember you are not alone. Blended families are hard work but, with hard work comes much reward and satisfaction.
Written by: Erica Reevey, LCSW
About the author
Erica Reevey, LCSW is a Mom.Wife.Boss.Traveler. In her spare time she is a is a full time Therapist at a locally owned Private Practice in Louisville, KY and the Ceo/Founder of TNT2, LLC (Therapists Need Therapy 2). Her life is all about bending, blending and turning oranges into lemondae! Connect with Erica on her TNT2 Facebook page here